Happiness is...(Week 19, 2014)

It's been about a month since I've participated in #happinessis, finding the happy hasn't been easy lately.

 On April 26th my beautiful sister-in-law gave birth to a perfect but stillborn little girl, Simone.
I dreamed about this tattoo the morning after we said goodbye and on Mother's Day my sister & her boyfriend who is tattoo artist surprised me by bringing his gear over to dinner. I'm proud to be able to carry a little reminder of my precious niece with me forever.

 

On April 29th, my other lovely sister-in-law gave birth to a sweet little boy, Isaac.

Don't you love the onesie? I totally agree with it. ;) 

It is a hand-me-down from Weston & my other nephew Easton.

 Monday was my new friend's birthday and our kids picked her giant dandelion bouquets.

 I love making our own play dough & seeing the fun creations.

 May 11-17 is Dirty Diaper Laundry's 4th Annual Flats & Handwashing Challenge.
This is the 3rd year we have participated.

Here is my 6 year old handwashing her doll's diapers with me last night. She said,"I'm just like mommy!"
Cue heart melt.

I'm linking up at CAiP!

Project metamorphosis

Chaos is the exact word I would use to describe my life at the moment.
This is not what I need.
I need a safe haven.
Some where to hide from the ugly parts of life.
Some place I'm not going to feel attacked & prosecuted by virtually everyone I know.
I place where I can be the most honest me possible.
I feel like this blog will be undergoing some big changes in the very near future.
Transforming this will be mirroring the metamorphosis my life is going through at the moment.
It's probably not going to be pretty or comfortable but here's to hoping I emerge a butterfly,
 or a cool looking moth.

I am Anonymous

One of the things I like about blogging is the anonymity. I feel safe enough disclosing many things about my self that I wouldn't otherwise share. I'm not good at being vulnerable.

I feel like I am being crushed slowly. 

I wasn't one of those people who had their entire lives planned out but this is not where I imagined I'd be at 24. I didn't think I'd have kids until I was 25. I imagine life so much different & exciting. Yes, I have many regrets. The fact that I didn't go to college right after high school. How I never got to be irresponsible & carefree. How I was too ignorant to research the best way to raise my kids. In high school I thought I'd party, relax & occasionally attend class at a community college. Instead I got pregnant at 18, had a baby at 19, got married 6 weeks later, turned 21, got pregnant again, bought a house & got pregnant for a third time.

Is anyone else where I am? I do not regret my children at all, and I never will, they are the 3 most amazing people ever. I feel like I'm failing them though. I don't know who I am or who I'm supposed to be anymore. I'm not the out going rebel I was or the well adjusted, politically astute person I thought I'd be. 


Sometimes I wonder if I married too young. Are my husband and I really right for each other? I have developed very strong beliefs that he just doesn't seem to understand or support.


I try to be a good wife & listen to him talk about his interests and I swear I can read his mind 75% of the time but I need the same thing back from him & I don't get it. 
Am I crazy or is this normal?

I guess basically what this random and semi-cohesive post is my recent uncertainties of whether I really matter and am valued. Consider it an "If a tree falls in the woods" type of thing.

Just Biding My Time

Lately, I've been drained. My depression has been sucking every last bit of energy out of me. But you know what? It's okay. This isn't going to last forever and when it's over the sun will be that much brighter. It's not as bad as it use to be a year ago. I have many moments throughout the day that I enjoy. Cuddling my boy, watching Caet jump like a frog, Mina concocting elaborate princess games, making pizza. But I just have no energy or patience for things like dishes, laundry, crafting, moving (physical activity not houses) & bickering. I would be completely content to sit on the sofa all day, in fact I have on a few days. My house looks like a bunch of tornadoes yet through it but my house will be waiting for me to clean up when I'm feeling better. All the energy I have now I'm trying to focus on my kids. Hopefully I'll be ready to craft soon because this poor blog is seriously in need of some project updating. But until I get something done, I'll just share a few pics of the happy moments I've snapped lately.

Mina and her Maran chick named Fluffy Cheeks. 

 

 

 

 

 

We have another chick named Fuzzibunz too, plus our 3 adult birds.

 

 

 

 

Weston & his cousin Easton. I love that they are 4 months apart and will get to grow up together. And that they both have the cutest fluffy butts.

My kidlets