Friday, August 3, 2012

I am Anonymous

One of the things I like about blogging is the anonymity. I feel safe enough disclosing many things about my self that I wouldn't otherwise share. I'm not good at being vulnerable.

I feel like I am being crushed slowly. 

I wasn't one of those people who had their entire lives planned out but this is not where I imagined I'd be at 24. I didn't think I'd have kids until I was 25. I imagine life so much different & exciting. Yes, I have many regrets. The fact that I didn't go to college right after high school. How I never got to be irresponsible & carefree. How I was too ignorant to research the best way to raise my kids. In high school I thought I'd party, relax & occasionally attend class at a community college. Instead I got pregnant at 18, had a baby at 19, got married 6 weeks later, turned 21, got pregnant again, bought a house & got pregnant for a third time.

Is anyone else where I am? I do not regret my children at all, and I never will, they are the 3 most amazing people ever. I feel like I'm failing them though. I don't know who I am or who I'm supposed to be anymore. I'm not the out going rebel I was or the well adjusted, politically astute person I thought I'd be. 

Sometimes I wonder if I married too young. Are my husband and I really right for each other? I have developed very strong beliefs that he just doesn't seem to understand or support.

I try to be a good wife & listen to him talk about his interests and I swear I can read his mind 75% of the time but I need the same thing back from him & I don't get it. 
Am I crazy or is this normal?

I guess basically what this random and semi-cohesive post is my recent uncertainties of whether I really matter and am valued. Consider it an "If a tree falls in the woods" type of thing.


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