One of the things I like about blogging is the anonymity. I feel safe enough disclosing many things about my self that I wouldn't otherwise share. I'm not good at being vulnerable.
I feel like I am being crushed slowly.
I wasn't one of those people who had their entire lives planned out but this is not where I imagined I'd be at 24. I didn't think I'd have kids until I was 25. I imagine life so much different & exciting. Yes, I have many regrets. The fact that I didn't go to college right after high school. How I never got to be irresponsible & carefree. How I was too ignorant to research the best way to raise my kids. In high school I thought I'd party, relax & occasionally attend class at a community college. Instead I got pregnant at 18, had a baby at 19, got married 6 weeks later, turned 21, got pregnant again, bought a house & got pregnant for a third time.
Is anyone else where I am? I do not regret my children at all, and I never will, they are the 3 most amazing people ever. I feel like I'm failing them though. I don't know who I am or who I'm supposed to be anymore. I'm not the out going rebel I was or the well adjusted, politically astute person I thought I'd be.
Sometimes I wonder if I married too young. Are my husband and I really right for each other? I have developed very strong beliefs that he just doesn't seem to understand or support.
I try to be a good wife & listen to him talk about his interests and I swear I can read his mind 75% of the time but I need the same thing back from him & I don't get it.
Am I crazy or is this normal?
I guess basically what this random and semi-cohesive post is my recent uncertainties of whether I really matter and am valued. Consider it an "If a tree falls in the woods" type of thing.
Boys can't ever read our minds. There were times when I wondered how I forgot to carry an adult conversation and what happened to the parts of me that weren't Mommy. It has helped me to really get out of the house. Creating a community not just for my kids, but for me as well. Maybe there is a playgroup you can join (or create!) in town so you can regularly get out of the house. I'm sure it will be good for the kids and for you too. Also, try working it out with Tim to have a certain night or afternoon on the weekends when you have time just for you. Take a class, go jogging, go out with a friend, do something for YOU! Hugs, Mama. I know it's not easy.
ReplyDeleteOh, Kristie. I had no idea. You seem to have managed well considering all the (unexpected) chaos in your life. I'm so proud of you. And believe me, I know what it feels like to not be where you expected. This whole year has been like that for me, and I'm not sure if its full-blown depression, but I've definitely felt my share of down because of it. Life's funny like that. If you ever need to talk, you know where I'm at.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm a little late in seeing this, but I think you're an amazon mother. No one does it perfectly and no one knows exactly the kind of parent they want to be right off the bat (at least no one that I know) and I think you've come so far in so little time. It is evident that you love your children and do all that you can for them. I know too many parents who cant even truthfully say that. i agree that you need some time away though, even if its just you, a date night, a girls night, a two hour walk alone. I've discovered that it helps to have just a piece of independence especially when you haven't really had much. I try not to wonder what I may have missed out on by getting in a serious relationship early in my life, and I honestly thought I'd have done things cometely differently, but I try to be thankful for the wonderful things I have in my life right now. I know it's hard, by I hope you can see the wonderful loving caring person that you are and be grateful your life has led you to this place.
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