Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Me that is. I'm finally ready to be honest with myself, and you.

I have a problem with depression. I have days where I don't get out of bed, except to change a diaper or get food for the girls. I have days where I feel like crying for NO reason, all day long. Sometimes when I'm in an especially fabulous mood, I write my self sweet little lists of all the reasons I'm the most worthless, useless piece of crap on the planet.

And now I'm done. I'm sick of it. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to feel alone, even when surrounded by others. I want to be one of those people who is thankful for each day, not looking forward to bedtime as soon as my eyes open.

I feel like screaming.
Maybe it's joy, maybe it's the last of all the hurt and anger in me. I just want to let it out, let it go and move forward. There's nothing in the past for me. Barely even memories.

 I have never been completely honest. Ever. with anyone. Not even myself. And I'm so sorry for that.
No one really knows me. Because I don't really know me. That's sad. I want friends. I want a best friend.
How can I raise my girls to happy, well adjusted people when I'm not? I want more for them than the empty black feeling that has been me for so long. I want the moon and the stars and the sky for them. And with my brain as crazy eff-ed up as it has been, there is no way I can provide those things for them.

This right here is me taking back control of my happily ever after. This is me grabbing this bright hot feeling in my chest and I'm not letting go. Never again. I'm going to LIVE, not just exist.
This is me!
I'll never be perfect but I can be happy.
And I will. No one and nothing will stop me.


  1. Oh sweetie you need to go talk to your Dr. I'm one of those natural moms. I used the organic cotton diapers, we didn't immunize our children. I thought mental health issues were all in peoples heads.

    Until I had do deal with them. Just this past year. It's not a total suprise since mental illness runs on my dads side of the family(and quite possibly my moms too, she's crazy but don't tell her I said so!).

    Our house nearly forclosed a couple years ago, we lost two of our cars, moved into a rental, had our paycheck garnished by the IRS for nearly a year to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. All this, and I kept it together.

    Now suddenly were almost out of debt. It's all behind us, were saving to buy another home. And suddenly I started falling apart. I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I had anxiety attacks. I thought I was having a heart attack, my pulse was racing and I was in a full fledged panic attack when I called my husband to come home. I had no idea what was happening to me.

    I finally relized it wasn't a heart attack and they came more regularly for no good reason at all. I wasn't sleeping, I didn't want sex. I cried a lot. Finally like you I had just had enough. I wanted my life back and I had tried all the natural remedies I knew of.

    Now I take my happy little blue pill every morning and amazing I have my life back. If this is what it takes for me to have a better quality of life then so be it. I could not stand to feel that way for one more moment. That was not me.

    You are not alone and you don't have to feel like this. Take control. You're doing the right thing!

  2. Get it girlfriend! You're seriously so awesome and you don't deserve to deal with that stuff. If you need to get medicinal help do it, but just talking and being open and surrounding yourself with people who are encouraging you and speaking life into you will help you leaps and bounds. I promise. Know that there are amazing things on the horizon for you, and breaking through the crap will open you up to so much good. Love you friend!

  3. I understand how difficult it can be to feel good about yourself and feel like you dont deserve even the things that you have, but just remind yourself of what you do have and make plans for the future, give yourself something to work towards. Motivation is so hard and I have had plenty of days of not wanting to get out of bed and I feel like I am not the wife, student, or person that I know I can be. But both of us deserve to feel good about ourselves. never give up on finding yourself, and finding time to do what you love and be with those whom you love. Never give up.



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