Me that is. I'm finally ready to be honest with myself, and you.
I have a problem with depression. I have days where I don't get out of bed, except to change a diaper or get food for the girls. I have days where I feel like crying for NO reason, all day long. Sometimes when I'm in an especially fabulous mood, I write my self sweet little lists of all the reasons I'm the most worthless, useless piece of crap on the planet.
And now I'm done. I'm sick of it. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to feel alone, even when surrounded by others. I want to be one of those people who is thankful for each day, not looking forward to bedtime as soon as my eyes open.
I feel like screaming.
Maybe it's joy, maybe it's the last of all the hurt and anger in me. I just want to let it out, let it go and move forward. There's nothing in the past for me. Barely even memories.
I have never been completely honest. Ever. with anyone. Not even myself. And I'm so sorry for that.
No one really knows me. Because I don't really know me. That's sad. I want friends. I want a best friend.
How can I raise my girls to happy, well adjusted people when I'm not? I want more for them than the empty black feeling that has been me for so long. I want the moon and the stars and the sky for them. And with my brain as crazy eff-ed up as it has been, there is no way I can provide those things for them.
This right here is me taking back control of my happily ever after. This is me grabbing this bright hot feeling in my chest and I'm not letting go. Never again. I'm going to LIVE, not just exist.
This is me!
I'll never be perfect but I can be happy.
And I will. No one and nothing will stop me.